I’m decently smart when it comes to math, science, and psychology. A little creatively smart when my depression isn’t drowning me. Biblically/spiritually not even a little bit.
It’s frustrating to me. Usually I read something and it clicks. I get it. Or it doesn’t take much for me to get it. But that is rarely the case when I try to read the bible. I feel like I spend the whole time I’m trying to read the bible with a “What the heck does this mean” crease in between my eyes. Random parts jump at me and my head does the confused tilt. I have a million and one questions that I don’t just want answers to. I want to discuss. Cause that’s the easiest way for me to learn and it builds relationships. Win win. (If you know that reference we are one step closer to being good friends. Tis a cute movie. ) but I rarely have anyone in my life to discuss with. And in all honesty I don’t even think I know enough to have a conversation at all. I can’t contribute with scriptures. I can only contribute with what I know, which is psychology and science. So even conversations are rough cause I start feeling like I’m either interrogating them or I feel like I’m portraying that I’m expecting them to just tell me everything.
Learning something new on your own is hard. I don’t know if what I’m getting from the chapter or verse is actually right or just based on my thoughts and not how it really is. I don’t know the context so I get even more frustrated that I have this almost overwhelming feeling that I’m missing something. Like the inside joke you Think you understand, but you’re never really sure if there’s more to the story. And sometimes there really is more to the story and it completely changes the joke for you. I feel that way with the bible. Not the joke part. Just feel like I’m missing a huge chunk of information. And when I do get some of those gaps filled it generally does change how I view that verse or chapter. Not always a huge amount. But in some cases it really does change the whole meaning. But it also begs the question. Is my source Right? Is this a credible source or just someone who wants their way of seeing things to be the right way. Am I believing them and agreeing with them because they have actual proof and facts or simply because I want it to be right? Where do I even start? Where do I start to get context from an unbiased source? Or at least enough sources to build a good base to build from.
Like with psychology there are a lot of different sources. Like. A lot. Friends. Family. Psychologist. People online. Scientist. Books. Same with most subjects in science. But finding people I can actually have discussions with about religion/the bible/spirituality is hard apparently. Either that or I’m just too annoying to talk to. Or too stupid to hold a conversation. Or a combo. I have no idea. I just know I’m frustrated and really wish I didn’t feel so stupid all the time.
So my project for this month is to find books and/or study bibles to help me out. I don’t want to bother people with my random questions when I don’t even know enough to form good questions. I also am working on making better daily habits. Yesterday I started the habit of reading and responding to a devotional daily. As well as doing some form of purposeful exercise. Next week I will officially add reading at least one chapter in the bible every day.
What other good habits should I add?