I don’t know anymore…

Disclaimer. Not that many people read these anyway. But. On the off chance some people do. I would suggest not if you don’t want to hear someone whine and complain. Or force yourself to read it. And maybe you’ll get a clue on how hard it is to do anything in this life of mine.

 

I am in an extremely depressed valley right now. I am heavy eye lidded. Heavy bodied. No positive thoughts can enter my brain. Even when I try to read them or listen to positive words they can find no foot hold in my brain. There is nothing to hold on to. My brain is a slip and slide all heading down. I have no motivation. I’m writing this because there is a part of me that is reaching out for something to stop this steep decline. But. I have no hope that anything will.

See I can pray all day long for some help. And I’ll get an answer. Don’t worry this isn’t a case of “God is ignoring me! 😥 ” No this is a case of, “God listens. And sends me Just enough to get through that moment. No more. No less. Just enough to pause the pain long enough to get through that moment.” But never enough to help me pull myself up. Or enough to trust that I ever could be helped. Just enough so I don’t die.

That’s how most of my life has been. People care about me. They love me. But they only want to help Just enough to keep me here. Not enough to help me rise. The second they realize there’s no quick fix and watching me grow is like watching paint dry on a humid day. Or watching grass grow in a dry summer and limited water from sprinklers. If you look every day and measure you’ll see some changes. But unless you stick around for a long while you’re really not going to have an “OMG they’re better!” moment. My depression is too depressing for people. They don’t want to hear about it. Why haven’t I just gotten better now? Why am I not trying harder? (Gee wouldn’t it be nice if I could just Stop being depressed.) But it doesn’t work that way. Oh I can pretend. I can slap a smile on my face. So convincing I get compliments from strangers that my smile can light up a room. Thank you, I’m glad my fake smile that hides so much pain can bring so much joy. (That was only a smidge sarcastic. All in all I am glad I can do something good.) I can have conversations about random things that don’t matter and bring nothing into anyone life. But honestly. As pathetic as this is. (And trust me I’m well aware how pathetic this is.) I don’t want to get better. It’s too much effort. And I’m too tired. And it’s a tad scary. The few times I have hope usually end in even more pain.

Right now I’m realizing how deep this slide is taking me. I’m stuck. There is no way out anytime soon. I am stuck. I have no will or energy for interviewing for a new job. But my current job is killing me. I want to run away and travel the world and feel that wonderful feeling I get every time I leave my comfort zone. But my car is too close to dying for a road trip and my bank accounts are too low (or high if you’re looking at credit card…) for any type of traveling.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I used to want to be a firefighter. Now I know I’m not strong enough. Mentally, emotionally, or physically. I’m too weak. I would be a liability. I thought maybe an EMT, but it’s the same problem. I know what I’m supposed to do in various situations, but I doubt myself. I assume I’m wrong. I assume I am making a mistake. Because that’s all I’m good at is making mistakes. This past week I was put on lights at my church. And while everyone was insistent that I did great, I felt like all I did was mess up. I don’t know which colors look good together. I don’t know what looks good. I don’t trust my opinion on what looks “good” anyway. It was a stressful experience and while I wont tell them no if they ask again, I hope they don’t ask again. I usually do camera. For me that’s really easy. Point and shoot. Keep the pastor in the screen. Who’s singing. Any solos going on. For me it’s super easy. Doesn’t take much thinking. Probably why every time I am on camera I end the night or day determined I am going to kill myself. If the message isn’t one that can be heard 4 times and you learn something each time then I spend 3 hours by myself, in my head. (That is not a safe place.)

I have no will to live. I live for people. I love people. I don’t like all of them. But I love them. I love you. I live because the pain of suicide is felt by too many people. And I’m not going to be the cause of that. But I also don’t see myself fighting for my life. Though I also have nightmares of getting cancer and hearing that I only have 3 months to live. Because my life is so much shit that it just seems shitty that it would end before I got to experience anything akin to joy. Anxiety and Depression should not mix, it is hell in your brain, hell on earth. There is not safe place. There are no safe thoughts. There are no safe relationships. Everyone can hurt you. But why care. You deserve it. Because what if you die. So what then you’re free. But what if hell is worse. You deserve it. I don’t want to die alone. You’ll always be alone. I want love. You will never feel loved. You are broken. Pathetic. Disgusting. I just want to belong. You will never belong. I want a purpose. So you can fail at that too?

I am alone. I am suicidal 364 days every year, give or take a day. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can have suicidal thoughts but have no will to actually carry them out. Days like today. I’m searching for a life jacket or death. There is no other option. And unfortunately I know what will happen today. Someone will give me a foot hold. It will get me through the day. It will shatter by Monday. And the slide will begin again. At this point. As much as death scares me. I would rather have death. I’m tired of living this life. I know nothing. I am nothing.

But today and tomorrow I’m on camera. And they are low on volunteers. So I will be there. Fake smile in place. Because no one cares. At least with a fake smile I can have mini convos that have no meaning other than someone is actually acknowledging my existence. And hopefully enough hugs that the slide will at least stop being so steep so while I’ll just keep going I might not drop so fast. No fake smile and people don’t want to deal with me. I’m just the outcast that doesn’t know how to appreciate all they’ve got in their life. I’m the attention seeker. They don’t seem to get that when I’m seeking attention I don’t show how tired I am. Showing how tired I am and then watching people dodge me makes the slide steeper and razor blades start dancing around me. Nah. If I want attention. I smile. I jump around and act hyper and crazy. I joke, I laugh.

I act the way I’m expected to act because I desperately need help. But I’ve given up on ever getting it. So I’ll just do what I do know how to do. Survive. One foot in front of the other. Maybe someday I’ll want to be better. Too tired.

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