Alright. So if you’ve read any of my other blogs you’ll know I’ve been depressed pretty much my whole life. And I don’t really know what life without depression looks like honestly. And for most if not all of that time I’ve just dealt with it. It is what it is. Nothing I can do about it but learn to live with it. Which works some days. But days like today, not so much. Today I was suicidal again. And the pain of life weighed down on my shoulders. The weight of responsibility tried to crush me. (It still is.)
My depression is my problem. And I have the control to change it. (To a certain degree.) But I don’t want to. I don’t know what relationships look like without my depression. Will people still care about me? Will people still hold me and hug me if I’m not down in the dumps? Will I still be able to connect to people if I no longer have this thing that I’ve had my whole life? I learned how to socialize Within my depression. (It doesn’t work very well. And it’s a painful way to socialize. Don’t recommend it.) But what happens when I’m no longer depressed? Recovery terrifies me. Life on the other side is frightening. Who will I be without depression in my every waking day?
Part of how I’m dealing with that issue is working slowly towards recovery. Instead of trying to just jump in with both feet (not yet anyway). I’m using these moments to learn about myself. Like today I realized one of the reasons I have issues talking to women is because I view them as weak. (I always knew I never seen them as completely equal cause I prefer talking to men over women, but I didn’t realize to what extent.) Looking back on specific memories it’s kinda obvious though. Another reason is that I have learned through many experience that women will either hurt me or do nothing. The chances of them helping me are so small that I rarely want to take the chance to find out what they’ll do in my life. So now I need to learn to trust women more. Not all women. It’s not like I trust all men. But I need to work on not being automatically less enthused when a woman wants to be friends with me. And I am getting there. I have a new woman friend in my life, and I am having enough nightmares to know I trust her. (Nightmares are my subconscious trying to shove me back into the non-trust zone.) So now it’s just a battle to not actively push her away.
Problem is I’m starting to realize I’m moving a bit too slow. See, I’ve gotten stuck in this dangerous cycle. When I talk about my life people feel bad for me, giving me attention, and I feel marginally better. (And guilty.) And I’ve realized that part of this is the people I’m hanging around, and part of this is my lack of communication skills. I’m not the best at reaching out to people to start conversations, and unfortunately I’m in an environment that even the few times I do gather up my courage to talk to people…I’m usually ignored or talked over, or just get a sense of unwelcome (which is part depression and part not). It’s why I left the church for over a year. (Well, one reason anyway.) The other problem I’m having is I have no one to talk to about the things that start to add up until it becomes too much and I complain about everything for almost a month straight. (Which is where I’m at right now. I’m whining about everything. Why does this happen right before I meet new people? Because life sucks sometimes.) If I could talk about things before they sit in my head too long I wouldn’t get so far down the rabbit hole. I just have an over active mind that questions way too much.
So. I need to work on complaining less. Not completely stop, because it really does help sometimes. (Talking through stuff helps me deal with problems.) But not to the point where I’m relying on complaining as my main means of getting attention. I need to work on my trust and abandonment issues. Not to the extent of trusting everyone, cause not everyone is trustworthy. But so that I stop pushing away good people out of fear of getting too close. And I need to start making some short term goals for me to strive towards. Because right now I not going anywhere and I just want to die. But I can’t do that to the people who care for me.
This is the part where I stop being so understanding.
I hate my life. I hate that I was born this way. I hate that I can’t listen to a message without having more doubts and more frustration. I hate that I’m always tired. Always. Tired. I hate that suicide is on my mind every single day even if it’s a “good” day. I feel worthless, useless, and just overall shitty. I’ve been wanting to cut myself all day today. I’ve had a million and one questions running through my head. Including, “where do people who commit suicide go?”. Which I was stupid enough to send to someone. To be fair it isn’t just my depression and suicidal thoughts that brings that thought up, I personally know two people who committed suicide. The answer isn’t going to cause me to commit suicide or stop me anyway. And there’s no guarantee I’ll agree with the answer. I just honestly feel like I don’t have enough to make a sound decision so I’m mostly just going off emotions.
I have no dreams. Nothing interests me. Writing is tiring. I used to love it. It used to be something I’d sneak around to do. I’d pretend to take notes in class, instead I was writing. I used to love photography, now I rarely take photos. Nothing holds my attention. Getting out of bed takes all of my energy. The rest of the day I’m a zombie who goes through the motions of being human. And days like today. I honestly would rather die then get better. I fight so hard to be okay. I don’t want to fight any harder. I don’t have the energy to fight any harder. I want all the pain to end. I just want the pain to go away. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to be somewhere were I can be friends with people, without their gender, age, or relationship status standing in the way. I want to stop existing. I’m just too tired.
Step one I’m taking tomorrow: Walk by the lake for 20min+