You know I’ve been depressed for most of my life when it’s easier to talk about my depression and suicidal thoughts than it is to talk about actual true emotions… Instead of being able to tell people I am feeling angry/frustrated and hurt, I fall back on “just trying to work through my depression.” Which, is true as well. Don’t get me wrong my depression is there and it is a daily struggle. But I’m slowly starting to feel emotions. And unfortunately they are mostly negative. And I hate bothering people. So I’m actually almost forcing myself to go back to that depressed Krys rather than the slowly healing one. Because at least depressed Krys doesn’t bug people with anger and hurts and thoughts that drive me up the wall.
The main thoughts that are driving my nuts are about my faith. I’m stuck in the painful loop at the moment. I believe in God. I love God. I love God’s children (everyone. LGBT+, Muslim, Jewish, African, Russian, etc.) Yes I still have some kinks to work out. But whenever I catch myself it’s pretty easy to get myself back on track of “yea I don’t particularly Like this person, and I don’t have any plans of keeping super close to them. But I do wish them the best. And if they need help and it is within my means to help (and it’ll actually help, not enable) then yea, I’ll help them. Though I will admit I probably would have a hard time helping my cousin…But even that could be worked around. I might not be willing to personally be around them and help, but I definitely wont get in the way of them getting help.
But, to be honest. For me anyway, that’s the easy part. I enjoy helping people. I love people. I see the good in people. (Even if it’s only glimpses) The problems start when I start to think about Heaven, Hell, and who’s going to which. I can’t wrap my head around it. It breaks my heart. Thanks to my depression I am EXTREMELY good at just going to a blank face (probably look like a kicked puppy to be honest) instead of showing how I really feel. Cause if it weren’t for that I would’ve been yelling at the sky today. And hitting the ground. I almost threw my keys.
There are people already destined for hell. They’re dead. As far as I’ve been made to understand, that’s it. Done deal. It’s over for them. That’s their reality for the rest of eternity. That doesn’t sit well in my mind/heart. If anything it screams WRONG. It takes my heart and shreds it into little pieces. I understand no one “deserves” heaven. We’re all sinners. We all make mistakes. We all fall short. I get it. What bugs me is that, we have a very short amount of time that determines the rest of eternity. I mean really. What is 80 years compared to 80,000+?? How can 80ish years determine the rest of our eternity. ETERNITY. Not 500 years. There’s no set deadline. It is on going, forever. This is that one shot to determine the rest of your existence.
I honestly have more to say about that. But my thoughts are going crazy. And I’m out of time. So this is all I got right now. If anything you get a taste of what my mind does to me. These questions and hurts come up. And most of the time, I’m just left with them. No easy answer comes to settle my mind. It stirs in my head until I can get a satisfactory answer. Or, like about a year ago, I decide that I’m done and I turn my back on Christianity. I don’t think I’ve ever honestly turned my back on God. (I’ve lessened the amount of times I talk to him/pray) But God is real to me, his son is real to me. God is Love. And Love flows through my veins. I’m just not so sure about the interpretation of the bible that I’ve come to know. Still sorting through that.
To all the families of service members that have died for our country. Please know that I have a high respect for what they stand for and what they died for. I may not agree with the war. But I will always respect the people who are willing to fight, defend, and die for the freedoms we often take for granted.