Depression really is one of the hardest things I deal with in my life. Losing friends, being over weight, hating school, not particularly loving or hating work (which is actually good considering most of the people I know hate their job), and having no concrete familiar relationships all suck. But combine them all with this ingrained sense of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, incredible sadness that never really goes away, anxiety that makes the world spin and my head pound, and a deep seated hate for the person I am make life is the most difficult thing. Every day and night I struggle to ignore the bottle of pills I have just waiting for me. Yet anytime I imagine life with out my depression my anxiety levels raise, because I don’t know a life with out depression. My whole life, from 5 yrs old and up, has been me and my depression. In a way you can say it’s the only constant in my life. And while a part of me sees that I must be pretty strong to still be here after about 14 years of constant sadness, of little to no hope of a better future, and a deep seed of pain, all I feel is more self-loathing. I know I’m only alive because I can’t hurt my friends and family like that. I might not feel like anyone really cares a whole great deal about me but I know that suicide hurts Everyone. Even the people on the fringes of the suicide’s life. So I’ll be here tomorrow. Bright and early to run camera for my church and plaster a smile on my face so that no one will waste their time worrying about me. Wonder if anyone notices the darkness closing in on what’s left of the light in my life.
There’s not much point to this post other than me ranting late at night when there is no one else to talk to and depression is raging in my mind and suicidal thoughts are knocking/banging to come in. So..sorry for the pointless rant…thanks for reading.